How to Surround Yourself well: Why and How to Network

I’m a rather shy person. Really. Not the kind who walks into a room talking loudly or effortlessly jumps from one conversation to another. More the kind who spends 10 minutes thinking before sending a message, who hesitates before speaking up in a group, who needs alone time after a social event. I’m pretty bad at small talk, and I’m often a bit out of sync when it comes to interacting with other humans (if you know me, there’s a 100% chance I’ve said something really weird at some point, right?). Recently, someone asked me about my hobbies in a conversation and I had absolutely no idea what to answer, that should give you a sense of my conversation skills…

And yet, I’ve often been told:

“But you know everyone!”

“Making connections seems so easy for you.”

It’s not because I’m extroverted (I’m not), nor because I love “networking” (I hate it). So why surround yourself with people and more importantly, how do you do it well?

First of all, what is a “network” (and why might we need one)?

We’ve all heard that nowadays “you need a network.” But spoiler alert: that doesn’t really mean anything. Contacts, a network, it’s not a number on LinkedIn (I’ll come back to that). Yes, a network is useful in professional life, whatever people say, but not necessarily for the reasons that get repeated everywhere.

The professional side (the one we think of first)

Let’s be honest:

• looking for a job,
• changing positions,
• launching a project,
• recruiting or being recruited,

…all of that is much easier when you know people and people know you.

Not because they’re going to “pull strings” for you, but because:

• they think of you when an opportunity comes up (because they know what you’re looking for),
• they can recommend you thoughtfully (because they actually know your skills),
• they give you that piece of information (that no one thought was useful, but that matters to you).

The human side (the one we talk about less)

And then there’s the other aspect, just as important:

• having people you can talk to about your work without spending two hours giving context,
• being able to complain about an incomprehensible bug without annoying your loved ones (especially when, like me, none of them work in your field),
• sharing a win (or a loss, or some anger),
• asking for advice when you doubt, supporting others and being supported.

For me, a network isn’t just contacts who send you job offers or post on LinkedIn. A network is a mental lifebuoy in a profession that can be very lonely.

It’s groups of very different people who allow you to talk about many aspects of your professional life: a failed communication with a colleague, the good news from your last interview, the unsolvable case that’s been haunting you for two months, the latest discovery that excited you. And that, that, helps you move forward, grow, and ultimately become a better professional.

Good news: being shy is NOT a problem

We tend to associate people who “have a network” with those who speak loudly, who are everywhere, who know how to sell themselves. I’m shy; I don’t really know how to sell myself; I know I don’t speak very loudly (half the time people ask me to repeat myself). I don’t particularly like sharing my life or putting it on display. But I’ve discovered that being (a bit) introverted can actually be an advantage:

• you really listen,
• you prefer sincere exchanges,
• you create deeper connections.

Alright, convinced? So how do you actually do it?

The secret of networking: curiosity

For me, the secret isn’t speaking loudly. It’s being genuinely interested in people. A good network isn’t big, it’s sincere.

If you’ve followed me this far and you also believe in the power of authentic professional relationships, here are my humble tips for building a truly useful network.

Because there’s no point in going to 10,000 events, joining 15 Slacks and 18 Discord servers, or posting once a year just to promote your company… if you never say hello to anyone and never take an interest in anyone.

So here’s how I do it.

Simple actions

1. Small “you crossed my mind” messages

One of my favorite tools. It can feel a bit artificial at first, but it really isn’t if you do it,once again, I repeat, with sincerity.

Examples:

• “Hey, I was thinking about you, how are you?”
• “You mentioned that project, how’s it going?”
• “Did you end up leaving that job that was weighing on you?”
• “Are we seeing each other at the next meetup?”

No hidden agenda. Just… checking in. Simple. Basic.

2. Suggest simple moments

No need to organize an international conference.

• a coffee
• a lunch
• a dinner for 3–4 people

No pressure, no agenda. Just invite people to meet.

If the thought of having to keep a conversation going stresses you out, think of one or two topics you’d enjoy discussing: things on your mind or that recently happened at work. Think about what you’d genuinely like to know about other people’s jobs or what actually interests you?

3. Encourage, recommend, support

It’s amazing how much we underestimate this, but in a competitive world, collective support is essential:

• recommend someone for a role,
• share someone’s work,
• say “that was really well done,”
• write a LinkedIn recommendation (yes, even that).

A network is mostly about giving, not just asking.

4. Go to events, coffees (and sometimes talk)

Yes, it’s intimidating, especially because when you start, you often start alone. And honestly, I don’t know many people who are comfortable arriving alone in a crowd. But you can just listen, ask a question, talk to one person.

And if one day you feel ready:

• host a workshop,
• share a topic you know,
• look for someone who’s alone in the room and go talk to them

No need to be a world expert.

5. Follow people and genuinely interact

On LinkedIn, Mastodon, Twitter, etc. Like when it’s relevant, really. Comment when you find something interesting, really. And if you don’t want to be public, send a small private message. A simple “I really enjoyed what you wrote, thank you” is enough.

I know social networks have become real trash, full of half–AI-generated posts and hateful comments. So, if you don’t want to be there, nothing forces you to be in order to have a network. You can find the methods that inspire you or that you enjoy: subscribing to blog RSS feeds you like, writing to their authors, reaching out to people after a conference, etc.

6. Follow-up (the step everyone forgets)

You meet someone at an event? Write to them afterward: remind them where you met, say what stood out to you in the exchange, suggest staying in touch.

Not to add yet another contact to your LinkedIn list, but to turn that meeting into a relationship that might become a real connection.

7. Don’t just be a contact, be a connector

Connect the people you know!

Even if you only know 10 people, chances are they could be interested in each other. It can be as simple as organizing something to introduce them, or thinking of people when you see something relevant: this person has exactly the same deployment issue your friend Camille had three months ago; this other person is looking for feedback on a company where Caroline (whom you met last week) works; Julie needs help with unemployment paperwork, and it just so happens that your former roommate became an employment advisor (true story, as you may have guessed)…

In short, don’t just be the destination, be a step along the way.

Relationships, not contacts

Because yes, all of this builds connection and that’s what we want in the end.

A network isn’t a strategy, a technique, or a LinkedIn number. It’s people you know, who know you; honest, funny exchanges; mutual support, built without calculation. It’s genuinely caring about others, wanting to understand how the professional world works, and caring about the problems people in your field face. That’s how you surround yourself with people who truly help and whom you, in turn, truly help.

In conclusion, I don’t like networking. But I like people and apparently, that’s what works.